'Till God do us Apart

It never matters how much our closed ones try to tell us that beautiful people are everywhere, that what matters is the character of the individual, and that nationality, race, etc...are nothing else but details bent on making our choices harder rather than easier...we are either bent on embracing the difference with no reserve, or hate it with no held barrels.

Some will say that she was just another woman, but those are the people from where she comes, to me she was different, just because she was not from where I was. Suddenly everything she did was extra charming, a little more seductive, it was...simply exotic.

When we love difference, we love it seriously, we cannot explain what it is, except the fact that it is different, therefore must be better. She dressed differently, listened to different music, spoke a different language, and laughed at very different jokes...and I found it Sexy...:-)

It didn't matter to me that she came from a place that is cold as often as my homeland is warm; I didn't see any issue with the fact that her skin tone was much lighter than mine. I thought her musical choice was nothing else but a passion for noise, and she described my dancing moves as a combination of aerobics and gymnastics. All that mattered to me was how good she made me feel and how enjoyable both her company and our conversations were.

I never had a problem with the fact that she didn't eat a specific type of meat, that she was supposed to pray more than twice a day, or that I had to be a little more moderate in my drinking around her. She prayed in yet another foreign language, and I found it Sexy...:-)

But when I decided to contemplate spending even more time with her, in the matter of months, years or a full life, I sought the counsel of many, and made aware of the realities of the world we'd live in.

It suddenly did matter that I prayed in the name of Jesus-Christ, and she called God "Allah". It was an issue that I do drink even moderately; it became a subject of discussion to even suggest the name of a yet to be conceived child together. It became relevant that there are spiritual realities that will impact my walk with God if I was with her, and it appeared to be a seed of family rift that she'd be with me.

Much more issues and drama to be added just to say that it was a problem that she was a Muslim and I a Christian.

I looked into her eyes and admired the mutual devotion that neither of us would convert even for the other; however, others translated that devotion into the precursor of a challenging life we may face if we pursued that romance.

I had to let her go, although she was more willing to try and work on it. I reflected days and night about that dreadful day, and that so-called bold decision, and every time, I end up with teary eyes, head in my hands, facing the harsh reality:

I love her...err...I loved her, 'till God did us apart...

Is "Naughty sex" actually healthy sex?

Does Sex have to be naughty to be fun? this was the title of an article on MSNBC.com last week, and while it focused about the growing boredom of couples of every ages in the sexual department, given that every taboo has been broken, it got me thinking about the fundamentally wrong approach to sex in this society.

When it does not focuses on "performance", sex is viewed as a thrill seeking experience or a service supposed to to top itself continually with diversity, updates, improvements and pushing boundaries.

Having a fulfilled, intense and interesting sex life his as healthy as can be, but one point that the article pointed at is how the new generation seems to long for something new, or rather something old; gone are the days of budding romances, passionate chases, sensual touches, seductive looks and growing Love. Today we have a millions to-do and how-to books and websites for sexual purposes. We have fast-food chains like sex shops, while meeting one sexual needs is as easy as finding a Walmart.

What I lamented is omitting is not just the sacred approach to sex, but also the fundamental ingredient of a couple being able to fulfill one another. Increasingly, despite the majority of monogamous couple, it seems a given now that to have a good sexual life, most couples must take classes, attend seminars, include or invite other people in the sex life, have affairs or emulate sex-workers.

It has always been my opinion and experience that the determined chase to a girl's heart, and her honest attempt to make you run around so she can better assess your intentions were the golden steps that leads to a healthy relationship where communication and honesty prevails. A healthy communication in a relationship in my opinion extends to the sexual level as well.

Sex being the physical expression of one's Love, can only be as healthy and good as the relationship in general is; what is happening, I fear is a total disconnect between all aspects of the relationship, which leads to attempts of fixing them separately.

When sex is not good, most couple instead of looking within, look outward for quick fixes, from bringing extra partners, doing ridiculous role plays like one being an animal or a slave, to abusing food or animals.

It is similar to trying different drugs, and always looking for the the one that will give the stronger effect; people try all kinds of bizarre and twisted activities to stimulate their sexual lives, they look for the next exciting stuff, they explore new sexual orientation, loan each other's friends, whip, spank and dehumanize each other, all for the sole purpose of having that naughty sex everybody raves is the best.

Do I really need to Physically abuse my wife in a batman costume to satisfy her? will she really resort to openly share me with other women to appreciate me? Do we have to break the law, expose ourselves in public and risk hazardous disease to fulfill each others sexually? What is next, a threesome with the neighbors cat? lighting one of us on fire?

The lines between bondage, fetishes and other sexual deviancy is getting blurred due to many inabilities to recognize that what makes sex great is none other than the two people involved in it, and how they feel about one another.

Does sex have to be naughty to be fun? Absolutely not. Do you have to be sarcastic to be funny? I think not.

Talk to one another, and avoid naughty lines, for there is the secret of your sex life...

Top 10 female sex fantasies...and probable sickest too. (5-1))

So here it is, the next top 5 female fantasies; although we know and accept that fantasies are just that fantasies, it nonetheless reveals the places were we allow our minds to wander, and like anything else, we either go in good or bad places...

1. Threesome With Two Men

"This top 10 female sex fantasy involves the woman being worshipped and adored by two gorgeous men. These men are typically heterosexual and, therefore, only interested in the woman -- which translates into a whole lot of action for her. Her sex fantasy might be as innocent as being penetrated by one man while performing oral sex on the other or it might go further. This female sex fantasy is the ultimate taboo for many women, which makes it all the more fun to imagine.”

Why is it sick? This may be the tamest fantasy around, and this may sound quite hypocritical coming from a man, because men have the exact same fantasy about being with 2 women, a fantasy usual scorned by women but if we judge by the validity of the claim above, it’s fair game. This fantasy is not that sick, not because it validates a male fantasy, but because it taps into human’s deep hope of not having to make a choice; monogamy is the decision to be exclusive to one, threesome fantasies are the dream of what if…it may be fun to imagine, but it is also playing trick games with one’s mind and teasing the boundaries of possibility. The sick part is that it entertains the thought of one not being enough and more is better. A thinking pattern that has proved to be false, exposing those minds we ought to be distrustful of because of that insatiable lust. One funny tidbit is that while men are often incapable of settling for one woman, look who is fantasizing about threesome, any threesome…2 out of 10, not even men want that many variants of threesomes…

2. Voyeurism

"Your woman likes to watch for the same reasons as you do: It’s erotic, exhilarating and slightly taboo. She may fantasize about peeping through the neighbor’s bedroom window, spying on a kinky couple in the park or even catching a full-on orgy from the sidelines… it allows to her be naughty without getting her hands dirty, so to speak. "

Why is it sick? Behold the legendary curious nature of the female kind…! We all knew that women were curious, but to the point of fantasizing about being a Peeping Tina? Now, this is one fantasy that is bound to be solo, because it is hard to imagine a man trying to fulfill his woman’s fantasy by offering her a pair of binoculars to spy on the neighbors…this may cause us to review the entire purpose of fantasies, because to tell me that she gets on by watching is one thing (however peculiar in its own form), but to fantasize about it? Oh la la la…either way…if the janitor at the gym enjoys watching ladies shower, it is creepy…so someone explain to me why I shouldn’t be concerned about this female fantasy?

3. Force Fantasies

“Force fantasies are massively popular among women. Most psychologists believe this top 10 female sex fantasy allows a woman to have the wild, dirty sex she craves, without having to suffer the guilt that often follows. These female sex fantasies usually involve a gorgeous man carrying her off to his bedroom and quickly getting down to business. She’ll protest as he tears her clothing off and expertly arouses her body, but on the inside, she’ll love every minute of it.”

Why is it Sick? Well because she is not entirely normal, regardless of what people say, Fantasies are an indication of one’s mind process, the question of whether they’ll act on it or not is all about the trigger which is independent of their will since the thought is already in…there are women across the globe who live daily under the threat, fear or risk of rape, while there are many men who are locked up because of rape, maybe it is time to have those rapist meet our little day-dreamers, who knows, they may have a different opinion about how Hot rough sex is….

4. Exhibitionism

“She might cringe when you bring up the topic of making homemade porn flicks, but your woman has probably fantasized about doing precisely that at one time or another. Unfortunately, most women are far too body-conscious to experiment with such things, making this a top 10 female sex fantasy, as opposed to a reality. Believe it or not, some women even take this desire to the next level, fantasizing about others watching as you shag her silly in a public place.”

Why is it sick? This remains matter of personal opinion, but for one the mere notion of intimacy involves privacy; ok, so you do not want privacy, well it still strikes me very bizarre that while women have worked so hard to have their body viewed as something else than a sexual avenue, and made so much effort to prove that they can actually use their brain, some women actually fantasizes about doing some porn…this is the woman’s version of men street mentality, where perfectly well raised young men fantasizes about being from the street…so you still say healthy fantasy?

5. Private Dancer

“Most women wouldn’t have the nerve to strip in a public setting, but this top 10 female sex fantasy definitely involves taking it all off. She loves the idea of tantalizing you with a striptease, and she’d love to give you a private lap dance. Why? Your enjoyment tells her you find her attractive, and your erection tells her she has control -- a potent combination that women simply can’t get enough of.”

Why is it sick? Because it defies everything we have tried to comprehend about women…in other words, why the heck are strip clubs still viewed in such a negative way when men love it and women dream about working there? Why do men have to lie and hide to go to a strip club when they may have someone at home who only dreams of doing it? Why do women love shopping for clothes so much when their fantasy is to take it out? Well why do women talk about demeaning women while it is their #1 fantasy…?because at the bottom, there is something inherently sick and abnormal about that fantasy…

"I was working outside, because of the heat I removed my t-shirt. The work was strenuous, sweat dripping all over me, i was nonetheless determined to finish. I sensed a look hovering around me, and when I looked up, there she was, beautiful and only covered with the sheets she had slept on, she stared at me and smiled; I looked into her eyes, I liked it...but it also scared me, because I did not know where she had taken me..."

Top 10 female sex fantasies...and probable sickest too. (10-5)

It is a man's deepest desire to be able to satisfy his woman in all ways; but the woman is a mystery, so men run around looking for tips, secrets and infos that would help. Many magazines are claiming to be "the" magazine for men, those that will make them "MEN", but the closer you inch toward a fulfilling relationship, the more you realize that their view of masculinity doesn't really push that way. Askmen.com magazine recently published for the enlightenment of all men, the top 10 female sex fantasies; most of them are pretty much known to all, but the question is the following: if those are women fantasies, why reveal them, so we can help them act on it? and as anyone ever took a deep analysis on those fantasies? I did, and my conclusion, if I am with a woman who has some of those fantasies, I am running on the other direction very fast...because some of them are just sick...look for yourself, starting from the least popular

1. Domination (her dominating you):

"The entire scenario revolves around you worshipping her body and begging for her attention. Why? She gets to be in control while enjoying total devotion from her man in the process. What more could she want?"

Why is it sick? You’d think that if a woman is getting naked and ready to sleep with a man, the entire worshiping her and full attention is covered right? The entire woman emancipation is understandable, but is sex really the next turf war? This is some serious unresolved gender complex that needs to be addressed, and if it comes through the form of fantasies…beware.

2. Domination (you dominating her)

"She wants to be owned -- if only while in the bedroom (after which, she’ll want a clear return to equality). This win-win female sex fantasy scenario allows her to fully indulge her femininity, while still espousing the merits of feminism."

Why is it sick? Deep inside this type of woman’s fantasy is rooted the belief that to be a real woman, she must be owned and controlled by a man…so much for years of struggle to stop being viewed as a sex object right? In a perfect world, she’d be owned and still be equal…which is like asking for sunshine and snow at the same time, it fits the description as a fantasy, but if this is what gets her going…not all that normal…nope.

3. Teacher/student:

"Women love the idea of dressing up like a schoolgirl and parading about for your viewing pleasure. Many would even like to take it a step further, playing the naughty tart who won’t stop teasing you until you pull her over your knee and give her the spanking she craves."

Why is it sick? Now we are seriously venturing into the disturbing, while this fantasy permeates in society from both men and women, and may pass as normal, it isn’t; first when an adult is turned on by a school girl, fantasy or not, it is not sexy, it is called Pedophilia, so the man who is excited because his woman dresses as school girl probably has pedophile fantasies. If the woman is the one who is turned on by “parading” dressed as a schoolgirl, it means that not only she condones pedophile fantasies, but she also has some remorse about missing the cut in the pedophile attention she craves for…sick. Some try to protect the teacher/student sanctity, others fantasies about burning the line…sick.

4. Sex with a stranger:

"No-strings-attached sex is something many women would love to experience, but most are dissuaded from it thanks to a lofty load of self-produced guilt."

Why is it sick? To begin, it is hard to understand why this is a fantasy when it is not only prevalent, acceptable and expected in many cases; people have sex with strangers everyday so often that it is “Sex with the significant other” that should be the fantasy. If some women are not willing and capable of doing it, but still fantasize about it, either they have deep issues about monogamous relationships, or they simply envy the animals in a bad way…after all, when your cat goes across the neighborhood and get with the stray cat, nobody goes “Fifi, you do not know this cat!!!”…you got it, sex with strangers is how animals get down…some humans do it too…but to fantasize about it? Issues…

5. Threesome with another woman

“These days, it’s fairly common for straight women to get down with other women now and again, making this top 10 female sex fantasy a not-so-unrealistic possibility. That being said, this threesome fantasy rarely involves you getting playtime with the second hottie, as most girlfriends do not want to see their man touch another woman. In this scenario, you’re meant to play voyeur until your woman is ready for something more hardcore. This allows her to experience the best of both worlds without having to worry about things like jealousy or sharing.”

Why is it sick? Heu…because it means the woman is a lesbian…forget the crap about the bisexual scam…homosexuality is a term that defines same-sex…hum…activity; once someone gets down with the same sex, they ARE homosexual…it doesn't matter if it is once in a blue moon, or 24/7. If you kill someone, you are a murderer…nobody will say “well he both kills some people, but let some live too...so technically, he is a part-time killer.” No…and if on top of that, the man doesn't get a crack at the other woman…definitely a lesbian covert-operation. This type of threesome is "the male fantasy almost always initiated by a woman"…this is sick because you’re dealing with an unstable mind, incapable of sticking with you, yet not willing to leave you, incapable of choosing a sexual orientation, so pulling you into the salad…this is not a man with 2 women, this is a woman who can’t settle so she becomes a hoarder; While everybody raves about this fantasy, what it is underlying is the fear and inability of making a choice and standing on a position; the same mindset of those who want to be married yet act single, who want kids yet act irresponsibly…this is the first crack you see at the reason why the fabric of a society is destroyed: Inability to make a decision and stand by it. On the other hand, I would dispute the frequency at which “straight women get down with other women”, and if it is a woman’s fantasy…as a man, leave this sick one and go find a real, full heterosexual woman.

There it is, the first 5 top female sex fantasies, and their sickest parts, feel free to let me know what you think, share it and become a follower to know when the next 5 are up.

The Judgement Date of a Christian

It goes without saying that the early steps of a romantic relationship are marred with agony of "screwing up". For many, those early stages are extremely difficult because you do not really know the other person, and you are also unsure of what is working or not. How often is it that one person is believing that he or she is doing the right move, only to find out that they have been sabotaging themselves all along...

This traumatic rite of passage takes an even more bizarre turn for the Christian soul who while engaging in a...let's face it, non-biblical activity (Dating is NOT in the Bible), is also confronted with upholding the Christian standard.

I thought I was pretty good at this balancing act, I could easily date Christian and non-Christian alike and never appear too "Worldly" or too "religious"; but as I attempted to live up to my beliefs and walk according to my faith, it seemed that everything became black or white with no shade of grey. when the scripture says in Hebrew 4:12 that "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." I found it to be so true.

The more I tried to be a good man of faith, they harder it became to accommodate and find a common ground with people. When I stood to my guts, I felt intolerant, when I didn't, I felt unworthy.

When you combine this "existential" crisis with the first fight in a relationship, it gets explosive.

All was good with my Dulcinea, we had found a balance, and although not as committed as I was to the faith, her moral values were without reproach...until I made the rookie mistake to get involve in one of her girly shows. The rule usually is "watch it with her without actually watching it... "

When the subject of sex, pregnancy and a single mom was brought up, we suddenly found ourselves on different sides of the road; we had had our share of debates, but it was always an intellectual excercise. Now we were facing the moral dilemma of one advocating no sex before marriage (me...yeah weird), and sexual freedom (her...cool right...not at that moment).

Upon hearing her position, I tried to back down, hoping that this will be my ticket in, but she called my bluff, and I realized that I almost betrayed my principle. So I climbed back on the horse, and defended my views, knowing fair well that it would lead to a religious debate. She stood in front of me, promoting the virtues of women emancipation and right to choose when, where and with whom.

As the discussion raged, I looked at how beautiful she were when angry, how intense she was and how wrong it felt in my heart to fight with her. I feared that I was losing her..."you lose an angel but you win 1 with God", I kept repeating to myself...

After an intense half hour dispute, I held firm and her, well...she was there, still beautiful, still very sexy and intelligent, just like the first time I met her, but similar to that day, she suddenly felt inaccessible.

We parted ways on a bad note that day, and it has been a week and a half with no news. I never knew it would hurt this bad. I am tempted to blame God since it is for His name that I am sad today.

I retraced all my steps and ponder on every decision I made in that relationship. Am I victim of my faith, or did I go too far with my beliefs? In the depth of my heart, I can only pray that it is our first fight, even if everyday, I lose a little hope.

Christian, Modern or Modern Christian man

There is a moment in every man's romantic quest where success breeds more doubts, a crossroad where he ponders if she savor the victory and enjoy the spoils, or recreate the feeling and expand his kingdom.

I am talking here about that instance where luck, destiny, opportunity, etc...are in the secondary plan, and you have actually succeeding in getting the woman you wanted all the way, even doubting at times that will succeed.

After a arduous labor of courting, dinning and wooing, you have finally broken the hard shell of a woman who you just discovered is nothing else than a sweet, fragile and loving being with all eyes for you. at this precise moment, if it is the first time, most men have 2 reactions:

1. Thank you God, now do not screw up and make her happy...
2. Damn...it worked? I am good...let me see if I can do it again...

When the hunting technique has been solidified and proven, some settle for the sure and secure diet, while others go on a hunting spree to solidify the new status of a predator.

Here I come, not unlike my peers, fully confident in my abilities, yet secretly pondering about all the missed opportunities...what to do...what to do...? the schools of thoughts offer two radical views.

The modern man is all about "scoring", honing your skills and increasing the quality of women you meet while making sure that you still get laid.

The Christian man is more about being patient, stroking this gentle flower on the right side of the petal, making sure that not a stem is bent or broken for an everlasting bliss under the loving and tender eyes of the almighty God.

Then there is us...The Modern Christian man, who longs for this precious dove to whom to be faithful and caring, but who also wants to get laid and being reminded every day that he made the right choice even when the grass looks so much greener on the other side.

Spoiled, difficult, stubborn and immature? maybe, but also honest, dedicated and confident in his expectations. The longing of a Christian man are no different than those of a modern man, while the modern man never stops looking for what the Christian knows exactly where and how to find.

It is exactly like riding a bicycle, before I complained that I had lost my swagger and touch, and prayed to get just one more chance; but now that I am back in the game, it is hard to appreciate that one chance because suddenly, everything works again, the subtle look, the seductive smile, the bold yet complete BS of a conversation...I feel fixed...now I tempted to catch up for lost time and spring my wings again...

But should it be at the expense of a woman who helped me rediscover myself? regain confidence in myself? show me that I can be trustworthy? made herself vulnerable to me?

Is she that disposable? Is this what I was in it for? At the beginning of the quest, all I wanted was to "get my mojo back"...now I thought I had it back, but it feels different.

I remember the words of author Leon Kass, when he said: "For it is a woman’s refusal of sexual importunings, coupled with hints or promises of later gratification, that is generally a necessary condition of transforming a man’s lust into love."

He is right, I have changed, she has changed me, and within that change is the essential transition from modern man, to Modern Christian man to hopefully full Christian man. For the both of us, this can only be promising.

The long haul

"I am in for the long haul!" I had told myself, prodding myself for a relationship I had not seen coming, but that I suddenly can't live without. The surreal moment is somehow like a twilight zone, one second you are dreaming, the next you are in the dream, and for a while you live with the anxiety that it will abruptly stop and transfer you back to reality.

I looked at her with every scrutiny I could, I examined her ever moves ad studied all the behaviors in hope of seeing that imperfection that could make me think "humm maybe not...", but even her flaws are attractive...I feel good...I actually think I am falling for this woman.

Earlier this week, I opened my computer and read that Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife of 25 years Maria had split; now I do not know them and do not care for the most part about what they do with their life, but 25 years. It ultimately brought a sad feeling in my heart and made me wonder the purpose of the exclusive union.

It is easier to examine a failed relation in its infancy, you can blame lack of education about serious relationships, jumping in too soon, too young, too quick, etc...for the most part, it is much easier to say "the signs were there from the beginning."

Granted, here too we can say, "he or she had a history of...", the point is that there are couples that split after 30, 40 years of marriage, even without infidelity in the relationship. This makes me feel like the excitement I have may be ill founded, there is no way to say I am in for long haul, there is no long haul, no certainty that this is for life, no evidence that this one is the one...so why torture ourselves with the decision, why...why?

She stopped later by my place for a movie and dinner (rather dinner then movie). I kept looking at her, the way she made herself comfortable with her bare feet on my sofa, how she grabbed my jacket to cover herself before I offered a blanked, how she decided to do the dishes, and involuntary teasing me with that little swirl when she was cleaning the counter-top (I like that).

watching her, I was thinking that I can see that for a long time, I like having her around, I love talking to her, she takes me in a place where pains, doubts and uncertainty are all but what they claim to be, and if so, why should I end up like the others? this is my story, this is my life.

After she left (and still no kissing), It hit me and I realized the importance of marriage. Marriage is not our own, marriage is not for us to define. Marriage is an institution, and it is not an institution of Love, it is an institution that uses Love as a foundation.

Marriage is not about Love, because what stops 2 people who love each other from spending a lifetime together? marriage is not gender neutral, because it is not the expression of manifestation of Love.

Marriage is a message, a message to society, and a message to the next generation. It is an example of the tolerance possible between a man and a woman, a testimony of the mutual understanding and growth between two genders that sometimes feel like they are from different planets. Marriage is a model, a model for society on a structure that solidifies the rearing system for the next generation.

Because Marriage represent all those things in which Love is simply an instrument like glue, when a couple breaks up after 25 years, it brings fear and distrust about the model. It brings uncertainty to the youngsters who are about to embark in that journey.

Marriage is not just about you, it is about that next generation who looks up to you as the best argument for marriage. Love and exclusivity can exist without marriage, but marriage is a testimony of your commitment and dedication for the one institution that solidifies the bod between the only human relation that brings forth life.

Arnold and Maria may have failed us in this regard,but as for me and those who will follow, I owe it to them to do my best. Next time I will see her, I will kiss her.

The date

The night is fun, the conversation is great, we laugh, we eat, we drink and enjoy every seconds that passes with each other. For any passerby, it would be hard to believe this is our first date. The ease at which we communicate, the comfort level and the occasional flirty looks are all signs of a dinner going very very well.

Things are going so well, that at some point, beaming with confidence, for a split second I ignore the beautiful woman across the table and survey the room to see how many beautiful women are around. As if sensing my detachment, she pulls out her cell-phone, look at it and put it back in her purse; Is she looking at the time? is she expecting a call, a text? does she already have plans after dinner? the rush of thought pull me back toward her, and as soon as the phone is in the purse, she leans toward me, with a beautiful smile that seems to imply: Entertain me.

I am impressed, I am flattered, she is demanding my uttermost attention, as if she can't spend one second without me looking at her. I tis hard to imagine that a few weeks ago, I had to muster all the courage hidden in the deepest fiber of my being just to approach he; I questioned myself being good enough for her, wondering if she will even give me the time of the day.

Where is the mysterious green eyed brunette who almost paralyzed me? what happened to the vixen who forced me to write a cheat card before calling her? and what to say of the woman who compelled me to go to a spa and...ok too much info...Point is, at this very moment, I am hard press to believe that I once thought she'd be hard to get, I can't believe how nervous I was, and when I think about it now, securing a date was half the effort I imagined.

My mind starts to wonder, could I do it again? have I stumbled across the secret of seduction? have I unlocked the mystery of attracting women? if yes, should I go for the kill, and duplicate the effort again and again with as many women, just to catch up on past lost experiences?

I can do it, no I should do it, shouldn't I?

"Would you excuse me? I have to go to the ladies room" she said interrupting my thoughts

I stood up and watched her walk, with that grace, that feminine stride that allured me from the get go. While passing the bar, a gentleman stoops her and says something, she replies with a laugh and keep going. That little exchange, although obviously innocent since the gentleman is with a lady friend himself, stirs a little uncomfortable feeling inside of me...

No, I have unlocked anything, I have not discovered anything, if 5 seconds away from me causes that uncertainty....it can only means one thing, I am in for the long haul. When she will return, we will continue our date, and set the foundation for many more to come.

On Valentine's Day

I feel like an Idiot…and if I think about it closely, I may very well call myself an idiot. I cannot believe the weight of miscalculation that could possibly doom my future relationship before it has even started.

Here I just met a beautiful and intelligent woman, had the boldness to talk to here, and the courage to ask her out, without even realizing that Valentine’s Day is coming before our date.

I now seat here all perplexed, wondering what I must do or even worse, what she must be thinking; she must’ve known that Feb 14^th was coming; did she find it strange that I skipped the day to set our date? Wouldn’t it be weird to meet right after the so-called Love Day and discuss how it went, knowing all too well that we had already set an interest in one another when it happened?

I want to reason myself into thinking that it would’ve been too much pressure to set up a first date on Valentine’s Day, it is socially awkward. It is plain stupid to bring flowers, chocolate or a card when you do not even know if you will be compatible to date…but not doing so is simply weird when everybody around is adorned with Red passion.

Who cares about Valentine’s Day anyway, isn’t it another pagan, bloody event that was converted into the very thing it doesn’t emulate?

Besides all that, I am fearful of engaging into a subconscious self-sabotage action. Maybe deep inside of me, I already want this entire effort to be fruitless. I sometimes reflect on the fact that the want of a thing is sometimes more than its worth; maybe the yearning of Love is more exciting than Love itself. I always ask those who have married before me, or finally gotten in a relationship: Does the time we spent talking about it, hoping and wondering about it worth the real thing? Now that you have achieved it, if you could look back, are all the questions you asked before hand answered?

I always imagined how it would be to be married, in a serious relationships, how weird and how scary; many what ifs in the probable change of life. Now that it seems right around the corner, I fear that I am not as excited as I hoped to be.

I do nevertheless anticipate the beginning of the journey, and the image of my Belle is sculpted in my brain. Maybe my apprehension about this entire Valentine’s Day thing is an indication of how precious I already view a relation that has yet to start.

No one tests the depth of a river with both feet, I already announced my arrival, all I need to do is handle the situation one step at the time, and hope that I have not set myself for failure.

I will simply call her, chat for as long as she wants to and wish her a “Happy Valentine’s day”, with hope that we will celebrate the next one together.

The Decision

I have always asked myself the question as to whether Dreams are meant to be dreamt or realized.

It has always puzzled me how motivating one is to realize his or her dreams, and how incredibly one can become unappreciative once the dream is realized. Perhaps my biggest fear is to see my dream not live up to the expectations of my fantasies.

I could sense that battle raging inside of me as I decided to approach the beautiful woman who seemed to be the personification of my dreams and the answer to my prayers.

After a polite introduction and a sincere revelation of my desire to talk with her, I was invited at her table; as if to confirm my first impression, the conversation began smoothly as if we had met before. We were forthcoming, comfortable and eager to learn about the other. The atmosphere was conducive to our interaction and from one’s body language to another compliments, we were flirting without ever stepping out of one’s comfort zone.

If on the outside, I was proudly in control. On the inside, I had 4 to 5 alter-egos engaged in a intense debate: the one with the loudest voice kept repeating like an old record, the warning I had to hear: Do not blow this, DO NOT BLOW THIS!!!

How could I blow it? I had memorized all the key signs that indicate if a conversation is going the right way; observe the inclination of her body, pay attention to the way she crosses her legs; follow what she does with her hands, do not neglect the way she plays with her hair, pay attention to the lip area, do not answer your phone or text messages, and look at her in the eyes.

All this cues where right there in my head, but I could not make use of even one of them, lest again interpret it. I was instead hypnotized by her beautiful green eyes, I melted when she smiled and put her hand on my forehand, I became Gaga when she looked at me and timidly looked down. It was absolutely impossible to say if she was into me, but even a blind person could tell that I was way into her; she was beautiful, intelligent, well traveled, with multicultural awareness and sensitivity. She looked active and athletic, and spoke with the poise and softness that makes women appease the heart of the hardest S.O.B.

So enslaved by her charm, I became to wonder if this wasn't too good to be true, what if she already had a boyfriend (I never checked that)? What if she is really my future wife, could I live up to it? Imagine we actually hit it off, how will I make sure that I can find a way out in case it goes down? What if after a week, I am tired of it, how will I end it?

As she spoke, in less than 3 minutes, I had mapped out and covered all areas that would allow me to go in, get it, and get out. Suddenly, I felt a little more relax, and then came shame. It just hit me that instead of working out the strategy that will help me make sure that she stays in my life; I was instead on a path of self-destruction preparing for the worst instead of the best. I still could not shake off the thought that she is “the one”. I had to ask myself what is it that I wanted: Do I want to live the dream, or live the rest of my life dreaming?

I decided that I had hoped long enough, I had dreamed for too long, it was time to fulfill the dream, thus killing the dream for the benefit of reality. At peace with my decision, I managed to stir the conversation to a point I could ask for her contacts, learn about her relationship status and plan for the next meeting.

It all turned out well, and with our next date set, she excused herself and had to leave. I sat there deciding not to walk her to her car as it would have been too early. I watched her walk toward the door, and while I could have easily been focusing on the elegance of her strides, I instead realized that she was walking off with a part of my life that I was hoping never to see again…my single life.

She reached the door, looked back at me, smiled and waved goodbye. I waved back, in my head simply telling her:

“Welcome into the rest of my life”.

Woo her, Love her, Marry Her

I had come to perceive God has a dictator, one who makes claims of peace, prosperity and abundance, only to hide behind repeated demands of adulation and gratitude instead of living up to the promises.

My blasphemy spearheaded by the seduction of my enemy held me in a prolonged bondage which effect can only be measured by the sentiment of humiliation and humility I felt when I finally broke free.

As a lonely man rarely learns from his lessons, a newfound quest compelled me to review my maker as some type of Bureaucrat (I wouldn't dare going back to the dictator claim). I thought that I had placed so many stakes on God, only to perceive Him behind a desk not moving forward to help me, but constantly pounding me with a list of what I have done or not done. I started to wonder if the devil was not more effective at what he was doing…it all looked like the enemy is pro-active in tormenting you, while God is reactive in helping you…

Like a snowball, the contamination of spiritual dissatisfaction broadens to all aspects of your life, and just like that, the problems are too big, the solutions too complicated, so much that even the first step to resolve things seems invisible or impossible.

Just when I was about to finally hang forever the coat of my spiritual allegiance, she appeared; she glanced at me for a second, and opened an entire realm of possibilities. The mere fact of her presence rushed a high level of adrenaline in my body, while her serene beauty captivated me for what seemed an eternity.

I could say she is just another beautiful woman among the many I have seen in my life and yet, something exulted from her that seemed different; I couldn't say if she was the most beautiful among those who have now occupied my dreams, and are since prettier in mind than in reality, or if she is even my type. I can however for some reason, make the claim that at this moment, at this very place, she was in that very seat just for me.

I started to review the entire amazing scenarios I had made in mind about meeting beautiful women, scenarios that sounded like movies and other fictional medium. I tried to review my mental notes and tap into the bold confident man I am in those fantasies, who is a mixture of James Bond with the skills set of Hitch…

I tried to shake up the unrealistic setting that had so far plagued me with unrealistic expectations and convince myself that yes, she may have been a hot girl who fancied my eyes, but she was also probably the hottie "way out of my league" (a painful admission for one proud man…)

Just like that, I resolve myself to let the moment pass, so that when she leaves, I can beat myself down for not talking to her, or ridicule myself for reenacting the entire moment, and promise what I would do should it happen again or simply lie to myself that she was not really my type…

When God makes you a gift, you do not complain about the wrapping, and when He answers a prayer, even if you are not ready, the Holy fingerprint of His deed forces you to recognize it.

She glanced again and smiled, I looked down, completely disarmed by that smile. I ponder what to do? I have failed enough times to recognize that she would welcome me talking to her. Fear paralyzed me, and I realized how twisted I really was, my biggest fear was not to get rejected (although it was right up there), my worst fear was that it could actually work...

With each heartbeat, I felt a burst of energy running away from me, I called myself names, from coward to unfaithful; I beat myself down in facing the dilemma that I have prayed for a scenario similar to a point where I stopped believing God could do it, but there it was. A beautiful woman like I have rarely seen right in front of me. I scoped the café for anyone who may witness the scene in case I was badly rebuked…not many customers left, just a few older citizens and families too busy in their own affairs.

I try to see if there is even another pretty girl around who may influence the outcome of my daring approach (women are influenced that way…)…no one, she is the hottest girl in, it will only make sense…

I stretch my neck to scope the area and see if there isn't any other possible suitors and rivals…I saw three, but one look way too into his laptop, another older gentleman is obviously married, and the last one is so out of shape, if he is thinking about it, he must be in worst mental shape than I am.

It is all too perfect, to surreal, and yet, it is not the opportunity that tingles inside of me, it is not the mere fact that God may have answer my prayers and place me at the right place, at the right time, all this is great, and just being able to get a number would be a great step, that with cranked up prayers, may lead to dating, and all the good things I have yearned for but somehow struggled against.

What befuddles me is the sensation that this is much more than a scenario that will work; it is that silent still voice I have never heard until now. That sudden confidence coupled with unimaginable peace for any man about to approach what is well accepted to be a “10”.

I let it soak for a few seconds, admire the young lady in front of me, and lovingly repeat in my head the words of the silent voice:”She is the one”.

I keep analyzing her, and like a traveler distinguishes the arrival post of his destination, there is a little nostalgia, some apprehension, even some fear.

But the excitement is too big to be contained, I am mesmerized by the beautiful woman, and am in awe of how perfect she looks. It all seems surreal and hard to digest, but after more than 10 years searching, much frustrations, depression and confusion, just looking at her generates hope, because this is for me to screw up.

Some older men have told me that before, ”Relax, when you will see her, you will know”.

I make a small prayer to thank God and apologize for my unfaithfulness until now, and then just so it actually sounds official and confirms that this is not a dream, I smile and finally acknowledge this new truth:

“I have finally found my Wife.”